The two latest books I am reading have a similar focus. The Empathic Civilization, by Jeremy Rifkin, focuses on the historical development of empathy in our world and how it is desperately needed at this time on our planet. The Compassionate Mind, by Paul Gilbert, looks at psychotherapy from the perspective of compassion. They are really both talking about almost the same thing, just calling it by different terms. I highly recommend them both.

Of course, compassion is a key attribute of the Self in IFS, and therefore a central component of the way I do therapy and the way I think about psychological healing. Maybe this is just where my interests are going, but I hope these books are a sign that our culture is waking up to the importance of compassion.

Some types of Inner Critics mainly tell you who you should be–the Perfectionist, the Taskmaster, and the Molder. They try to make you be a certain way in large segments of your life–perfect, hard working, or fitting a certain mold. Other types mainly tell you what you shouldn’t do or feel–the Inner Controller, the Underminer, and the Guilt Tripper. These tend to be more specific. They prohibit certain types of feeling or action–impulsive, addictive behavior, courageous risk taking, actions that harm others. It’s less clear where the Destroyer fits in. It tries to keep you from being alive and here, but it’s prohibitions aren’t so specific; they affect most of your life.

I wonder if there is something important about this distinction among types of Inner Critics. Any thoughts?

At any given moment, you are either in Self or you blended with a part—a protector or exile. When you are judging yourself, you are blended with an Inner Critic part. When you are feeling bad about yourself, you are blended with a Criticized Child part. In fact, you are often blended with both the Critic and the Criticized Child at the same time.

You can only work successfully with an Inner Critic if you aren’t blended with it or the Criticized Child. When you unblend from a Critic, it doesn’t mean that the self-judgment disappears or you stop feeling bad about yourself. It means that you aren’t completely taken over by these feelings. You have some space inside that is separate from them. You don’t fully buy into the idea that you are inadequate. You can see that this is just a part of you that is attacking you rather than believing it is the truth about you. For example, if your Inner Critic says that you are a loser and will never find love in your life, you recognize that this is simply an attack from this part of you. It isn’t the truth.

Though you may still feel sad or ashamed, when you are unblended with the Criticized Child, you aren’t dominate by these feelings. You have a place in you (Self) that is feeling solid and OK. From this place you can view these feelings and understand these attacks and work with them. You may feel hurt to hear this message that you are a loser, and you may feel some hopelessness about your love life, but that isn’t all you feel. You reside in a place that is deeper than those emotions, a place of calmness and curiosity.  This is not the final solution to your Inner Critic problem. It is just a preliminary step that gives you enough space to deal with the problem.

This is a continuation of the last few blogs on the Inner Critic, the Pattern System and enforcement. We can look at three levels of Perfectionist.

1. A healthy version of the Perfectionist will help you make your work excellent and your life organized without being extreme or punitive.

2. The Perfectionist will go overboard in these things by going for extremely high standards, causing you to overwork or be obsessive. However, it may just try to be perfect without self-criticism.

3. The Perfectionist Critic will push you to be perfect, often using harsh, judgmental language. It will attack you when you aren’t perfect enough.

I hope these distinctions help you in your work on this part. I would love to hear your feedback on this series of blogs.

Do you have an Perfectionist Inner Critic? We are writing a book on how to transform your Inner Critic, and one section is on the Perfectionist. We are looking for people who are interested in reading some chapters, trying out the exercises we intend to use, and giving us feedback on how they work.

If you volunteer, we will send you three chapters, of 10-15 pages, one at a time. We’re asking you to read each chapter, try out the exercises, and then fill out a questionnaire we send you about that chapter and its exercises. We may also do a few phone interviews to find out more about your experience.

If you are interested, email jay@earley.org and let us know.