This question comes from Windsy:

Dr Earley I realize the object of IFS is to be SELF. What happens when the exile really wants to appear, and you want to be the part instead of speaking for that part. Is that okay, because from your book I know the therapist has a way to talk to the exile, but isn’t the aim to heal the burdens? My therapist said if I am the exile, no healing takes place, but he can talk to the exile. Yesterday I was being SELF when I really wanted to be the EXILE.

Dear Windsy,

The way I interpret your statement is that the exile was blended with you and didn’t want to unblend so you could be in Self. It is important for you to be in Self because the Self is the agent of healing in IFS. I would explain to the exile that if it is willing to separate so you can be in Self, then you can hear its story and heal it. If it still wants to be blended with you, then ask it what it is afraid would happen if it unblended. Or you could ask it why it wanted to be you rather than allowing you to be Self. The answer will help you to understand more about what is going on. With your therapist help, you may be able to reassure the exile so it will unblend.

Jay