Experience with IFS shows that every part has a positive intent for you. It may want to protect you from harm or help you feel good about yourself. It may want to keep you from feeling pain or make other people like you. Every part of you is trying to help you feel good and avoid pain. This is how we are constructed biologically, and our psyches work the same way. Since some parts keep us stuck in negative patterns and have a destructive impact on our lives, it may be hard to imagine how they could be trying to help. The answer is that despite their best intentions, these parts don’t always act wisely; they take extreme stances or behave in clumsy and primitive ways. However, if you look under the surface, you discover that they are always doing what they think is best for you. They may have a distorted perception of situations and an exaggerated sense of danger, but their intent is always positive. Read the rest of this entry »

This question comes from Windsy:

Dr Earley I realize the object of IFS is to be SELF. What happens when the exile really wants to appear, and you want to be the part instead of speaking for that part. Is that okay, because from your book I know the therapist has a way to talk to the exile, but isn’t the aim to heal the burdens? My therapist said if I am the exile, no healing takes place, but he can talk to the exile. Yesterday I was being SELF when I really wanted to be the EXILE. Read the rest of this entry »

I found this post on a forum on the web, and then I responded to it. I have included both.

The forum post: So, I’ve been reading Self-Therapy by Jay Earley, PHd over the last week or so. I finally finished it last night. I have been both intrigued and skeptical with the work. Anyway, after I laid down for bed (I never go right to sleep) I decided to do my first session. I thought about a phone call I have been wanting to make for a couple weeks, but have been putting off, so I went to work on a procrastinating part. It turned out that part was protecting a Panicked part. When I asked the Panicked part to show me a memory that it was carrying, I was amazed at how at superfast speed I was given the memory of my Father having a heart attack nearly 15 years ago. He recovered well and it wasn’t something I’ve thought much about since. But, I then remembered details about that occassion that surpass my usual recall for events. I then went on to unburden the Panicked part and the procrastinating protector. Yes, it does seem like it was all happening very fast in one sessions time. So, a little bit ago I’m recalling the session I did and this memory that I was givn and how incredible that seemed, but thinking to myself it didn’t really work overall. I still slept late this morning. I decide to post this about the memory and as I start to type it hits me- I MADE THAT STUPID CALL about an hour ago! That seems significant! I’ll definitely have to work at this IFS stuff some more anyway.

 My response: I’m very impressed with your ability to read my book and then immediately do a session on yourself, and follow it all the way through to unburdening. That is fabulous! And it’s great that you got a noticeable change in the procrastination issue you started with. Congrats!

In order to reconnect with the part you worked with, you probably need to remember how you accessed it–through an image, body sensation, emotion, etc. Then you use that to bring it back. You obviously have a pretty good memory of the session. If that doesn’t work, it may mean that another protector is getting in your way.
Jay

Continuing with this series of posts on IFS capacities, here are the rest of the basic capacities:

Integrating
Helping a protector to realize that an exile has been transformed
Helping a protector to let go of its protective role after an unburdening
Knowing what to do if a protector isn’t ready to let go
Helping a protector to take on a new role after an unburdening
Checking to see if any parts are upset by the change
Testing to see what happens in the trailhead situation

Real Time Work
Knowing how a part affects your life
Following up with an exile after a session
Keeping notes on what happened in a session
Keeping track of your parts and their relationships with each other over time
Being aware of when a part gets activated in your life
Being aware of what happens in a trailhead situation after unburdening
Negotiating with a protector to let you lead from Self before the exile is healed
Working with a part in real time when it is activated to let you lead

Beginning and Ending Sessions
Connecting with the target part at the end of a session
Checking with and thanking other parts at the end of a session
Taking up from where you were at the end of a previous session

Following up on yesterday’s post, here are some more capacities that are valuable in the IFS process.

Qualities
Patience
Trusting the process
Courage
Perspective of Self on parts
Ability to tolerate experiential work
Ability to tolerate opening up exiles
Ability to tolerate parts transforming
Compassion and connectedness with parts
Clarity about inner process
Your protectors generally trust you to work with exiles

Working with an Exile
Getting permission to work with an exile. Reassuring protectors.
Giving hope to a protector.
Detecting when you are blended with an exile
Unblending from an exile’s pain and staying in Self
Negotiating with an exile to not flood you so you can get permission to work with it
Consciously blending with an exile when appropriate
Being compassionate toward an exile and connected with it
Getting to know an exile
Developing a relationship with an exile
Accessing childhood origins of an exile’s burden
Accessing implicit memories
Accessing generic memories
Working through blocks to seeing the origins
Witnessing childhood origins of an exile’s burden
Knowing when the witnessing is complete for that session

Healing an Exile
Being a loving, supportive, nurturing Self for an exile
Working through blocks to an exile receiving reparenting
Embodying the reparenting experience
Being a powerful, protective Self for an exile
Retrieving an exile
Working through blocks to an exile being retrieved
Unburdening an exile
Knowing what to do when an exile isn’t ready to unburden
Knowing what to do if the unburdening doesn’t work or doesn’t complete
Allowing the positive qualities to emerge after an unburdening
Embodying the positive qualities