Inner Critic parts want us to be a certain way, to fit a certain mold. The Perfectionist wants you to be obsessively perfect. The Taskmaster wants you to be hard working and striving. The Underminer wants you to be overly cautious. And so on. If you are that way, your Critic may not attack you and make you feel bad because you are living up to its standards. We may have parts that simply are that way. For example, I have a Taskmaster part that is a striver and achiever. It isn’t a Critic because it doesn’t attack me. That part just works too hard. You may have a part like this, and if it fails to live up to the Critic’s demands, then you may get attacked for this. That’s what I mean about the Inner Critic being an enforcer. It tries to enforce its standards for you by attacking you if you don’t meet them.

Luckily, my Taskmaster isn’t a Critic, and I have been working with it for many years to lighten up and allow me to relax, enjoy my life more, be present, and be free. Today it did that. It relaxed its push to get our Inner Critic book out as soon as possible. I have been feeling very happy today because of that. I feel like a burden has been lifted and I feel easy and expansive. Such a nice way to be.

Inner Critic parts often seem to be very powerful and frightening, but this is often a front they put up to be able to do their job. When you get to know them, you view can often change dramatically. Here is an example of this:

Sarah was really frightened of her Inner Critic. It screamed and yelled at her and crushed her with its attacks and it power. It told her that she was worthless and would never amount to anything. She visualized it as a huge powerful monster with great muscles and a loud voice that was beating at her. However, once she got into Self and was openly interested in getting to know it and its positive intent, it gradually changed. It became smaller, less threatening and more reasonable. When she came to understand what it was trying to protect her from, her image of it morphed again; now she saw it as a frightened kid who was doing its best to act tough to prevent a terrible tragedy. It was afraid that if she felt OK about herself, she would put herself out in the world and get shamed. Therefore, she felt compassion and caring for it. She saw that the real Critic had been revealed, like the little man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz.

IFS recognizes that a protector can’t fully let go and transform until the exile(s) that it protects have been accessed and unburdened. However, there are situations where it isn’t practical to do this right away. Then you can connect with the protector from Self and negotiate with it to allow you to take the lead in a difficult situation in your life where this protector normally takes over and causes problems. This means that you can change your attitudes and behavior in some situations even before the underlying exile has been healed. Here’s how to do this with an Inner Critic protector:

First make a connection with the Critic but understanding what it is trying to do for you and appreciating its efforts. Then it will be possible for it to cooperate with you and learn a different way to respond when a situation triggers it. You can learn to negotiate with it to allow you to lead whenever such a situation arises. Explain that Self can handle this situation and make this decision. The Critic doesn’t have to be extreme about it. The Critic became extreme because it was dealing with a dangerous and harmful situation in childhood, and it believes that this is happening again. Furthermore, there wasn’t a Self there to help back then, and the Critic hasn’t realized that you have a Self available to help now. Or maybe your Self hasn’t been fully available. But now that you are doing this IFS work, your Self has been accessed and can help. And now that the Self and the Critic are connected, the Critic is more likely to listen to the Self and trust what the Self is saying. Read the rest of this entry »

I have been reading a chapter on self-attacking by Paul Gilbert, a British psychotherapy researcher, in a book he edited on compassion. I was impressed by his understanding of the psychology of the inner critic and how similar it is to that of IFS. His work is rooted in Cognitive Behavorial Therapy and based on many research studies. He has a theory of psychological process that emphasizes the functional nature of self-destructive tendencies such as the inner critic. By “functional,” he means that a psychological activity (such as self-attacks) happens because it serves some function for the person, or it did at one time. He is essentially saying that the inner critic has a positive intent for the person, to use IFS terminology. His method of therapy also bears some resemblance to IFS in that it is based on compassion. I am excited to see a research-based confirmation of IFS from a completely different psycholgical orientation. The fundamental truths about the psyche keep showing up in all sorts of places.

Your Inner Critic really has a positive intent for you. It is trying to protect you from pain, though it often does this in a distorted, destructive way. In order to get to know your Inner Critic and find out its positive intent, you must be open to it rather than fighting it. In IFS terminology, this means you must be in Self. Here is how to achieve this.

Check to see how you feel toward the Inner Critic part. If you are feeling curiosity, openness, compassion, or the like, then you are in Self and you can proceed to get to know the Critic. If not, you are probably blended with one of these four Concerned Parts. These parts are not Self because they have a negative attitude toward the Critic. They won’t be helpful in transforming the Critic.

a. Wary Part. Wary of the Critic. Afraid that it will do damage if you engage with it.
Validate that fear because the Critic has done a lot of damage.
However, assure the Wary Part that you won’t let the Critic take over and harm you or the exile.
Explain that you are going to get to know the Critic from Self and you are strong.
Remind it that the Critic has a positive intent, so you can connect with it and help transform it.
Ask it to step aside so you can do that. Read the rest of this entry »